There’s a pressure on my chest that I can’t quite explain and my heart is racing. This has been going on for a couple of days now. Last week I had a long talk at work and we’ve reached a point where we’re both not happy about how things are going between us. The truth is; I’ve never been in a situation like this before. Work was always a place I went to to do my job. A place where I found tolerable people I could have a laugh with, and where I found some peace from whatever else was bothering me in life. But not for some time now.
Saturday I finally saw my best friend Wouter after quite some time. He’s in the middle of some shit of his own and normally we’d see each other for band practice, but I had put the band on hold three weeks ago, because I was shutting down as much things around me that I possibly could, in order to find some peace of mind. But I suppose I didn’t do that with the most important factor: work.
After everyone left on Saturday night I had a long talk with Bren and she finally managed to get to the core of the problem and I just broke into pieces. I hadn’t told her that I had quit the band and she was very mad at me for not sharing that information with her. What bothered her most was that I hadn’t even talked about it with her and had decided to quit so easily. She held up a mirror in front of me and showed me just how bad things were with me. I knew then that it was time to finally admit that I can’t handle it all any more. It also made me realize just how much Bren means to me and how much strength she possesses, because she put aside everything to be there for me. It also showed me just how strong our love is and that we can overcome everything together!
One of my friends Phil Fontana always asks: “How does Jeffrey do it all?” Well, under normal circumstances I could take on the world. I can handle it if either work or the homefront isn’t doing well. But if there’s something going on at both places and especially the situation at work was just becoming too much to handle for me right now. If you have a feeling that you are the one only one who needs to change, but it feels like they’re trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. That’s not good.
Today I went to see my doctor first thing in the morning. We told him the situation and he checked my pulse, breathing (I have asthma) and blood pressure. The pressure and breathing was just fine, but my pulse was racing and after explaining the situation he ordered me to go to work for a talk and then take a leave of absence. That’s exactly what I did. It was a long and hard talk, but one with mutual respect from my boss and a willingness to find the right solution for this situation. But first things first. I need to take a rest from work. I finally reached the proverbial end of the road. For now.
Strangely enough, I find it so easy to keep writing, perhaps because it’s a therapeutic thing for me. So as long as this doesn’t feel like something I have to do, I’ll keep writing here daily. This is something I can put my soul into and it’s something I will always keep doing. Because writing and sharing is my way of healing and dealing with things. And hopefully, with a little luck, I’ll find myself again soon. For now it’s time to focus on myself and not pleasing others too much, just for the sake of not disappointing people. Because I know that is and probably always will be one of my greatest pitfalls. But I’ll climb out of it. All in due time.